SoyDevs of Broken-Ports

How to become something without knowing anything.

It's Saturday afternoon. There's a knock at Ethan's skull. He's thinking, — seldom does one hear Ethan's thinking. He's fat, ugly and unintelligence. He wants to be famous though. In the past, he did his best to scam the public. It didn't work.

To be a charlatan

To be a charlatan, you need to be talented. You cannot develop talent in a kitchen. You cannot build Bach in a factory. Or conjuring-up Brandenburgische Konzerte out of bugger. However, in some fields, it's easier to pull-up a scam. Beside working at FOX and CNN, mathematics and statistics comes to mind. Ethan tried mathematics, once before.

Mathematics is a fascinating thing by itself. In mathematics, you can do anything. Conjuring-up a multidimensional system of matrix out of nothing, and read that to physical world. There's a universe, and the universe has 3.14159 dimensions. Normie will buy that. Post that on Reddit, Predditors or Redditors-network, or whatever you're calling that these days. You'll sound smart.

If you don't like that, go and start your group. I'm not talking about IRC-groups, I'm talking about the concept of groups in mathematics. All you have to do is to pull the receiver, put a pack of sets and operations in it. Build your scam. Mathematicians will laugh at you, of course. However, Normie would think you are Alan Turing, and they don't know who Alan Turing is anyway. Above all, you can tell them that you're Alan Turing. They may heard of the guy, on one of those circus-shows of overrated propagandist Neil deHASH Tyson. However, don't worry. Most of them have a very bad memory.

Mathematical objects are great opportunity to build you next-generation Green scam. Numbers are abstractions. Mathematical abstractions are as green as vomit. Huh! Smell good. You can make sheet up, process it, and re-drink it again and again, in any way you want… any time. Mind you, you cannot fool real mathematicians and physicists though.

In academia, they will laugh at you, but you can deceive Normies of Redditors. Say the universe is a formula. Present your formula in terms of an axiomatic system of sets and operations. Then tell them, Oi folks! you need infinite amount of time, space, and energy to prove my hypothesis. Any objections? Are you a racist? After that, Redditors are going to refer to your magnificent next-generation structure as a theory. The theory. The grand unification theory of Firmament and Earth. The science is in. Are you a denier? It's rolling.

Poor Ethan

Poor Ethan has tried all of that. They didn't work. There were two fundamental problems of Calculus, though — which was invented by Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, by the way; to develop a symbolic language. Onward…

… back to two fundamental problems of Calculus! First, there are infinite numbers of Ethan(s) in infinite number of universes; second: if you want to pull a mathematical scam you need to have some sort of brain, of some sort, anyway. A functioning brain… whatever. All those concepts and derived concepts, those rules of inference, axioms… Oh boy! all those craps. That is a lot of mental work. That's very un-Ethan-ian of Ethan. Ethan is fat and wants to sit in front of TV, watching degenerate Netflix all day, and of course drinking soy-milk.

Even one time, Ethan tried to use statistics to build his framework of scam. But if you want to pull a huge scam in statistics you have to be a big boy. It's no longer a game for noobs as they love to call themselves.

What the Hell Is Ethan Supposed To Do Then!

It's Saturday night, half past eleven. Ethan has an idea. What about shifting, just a little, to where? To an open-source project. You know, they have those fancy things, named Commit Bits. If only he can get hold of one of those. Developers… Developers… Developers…. That'll be fantastic, or as Soyboy are characterising: AWESOME! But the problem is that most of the work have already done by giants.

However, in any projects, there's always opening, and holes, in which you can fill-in with… people like Ethan, specially in Ports and Documentations departments. Not porting GCC or Clang, no! You don't want to be mocked out of projects. Just find some Hello-World style of snippet codes on Github, Makefiles are already there, everywhere. Some little modifications, and send the retarded-diff(1). One Hello-word per-day. That's possible…

…or even if that's too much of work, then go, and modified documentations, translate them to some "lingua exotica" which men never will bother to read them, at all. Shove NLS dependencies into ports for CLI. A little modification here, a pint of change over there, be active on mailing-lists, keep pushing your name… You are good to go.

There's more, if that's too much work. Some dying-projects have Normie-friendly interface, subsidising their wealth of mailing-lists — hen party to be exact! Say, for instance, the Discord. There are many Soydevs of choice, which are already active on Twitter. A…W…E…S…O…M…E. Rant some Soy-friendly DEI-oriented rants. Push your brand of King Nothing. Punch the air… screaming, how you hate eating red-meat. Those poor cows and sheep. Not to mention polar-bears. The Climate is changing in an alarming-rate, and we all are going to die. Doomsday is upon us. You eat cockroaches and bugs to save The Planet… Viva cockroaches' milk. Say you were born vegan, you eat bugs and roaches, and trust in Vegans. The Science is in.

Push your SJW brand, non-stop. That shall work. What happen next? If you submit some trash diff(1), they will commit that for you —after cleaning after your trash, of course. They don't want meritocracy. They want activists. There's always a good chunk of good programmers who can actually clean-up your trashy make(1)'s Makefiles.

It's more important to have activists inside the project than brain though. That's the Holy Grail. That's the money-maker. Contracts, signing NDAs. Sound familiar? Should I say more? Drivers? You know where I'm trying to go. You know em' all.

Three Stages of Shell-Scripting

There are three stages upon you, when you start to learn how to write scripts for a shell-scripting language, e.g. POSIX sh(1) and/or ksh(1).

„All Perl programmers pass through a stage where they try to program everything as regexes, and when that’s not challenging enough, everything as a single regex.“

   ― brian d foy, Mastering Perl.

I. The First-Stage, The Boot-Block.

You know absolutely nothing about absolutely anything. A Shell neophyte. At this point, all things look balderdash. That's normal, and it's okay by the way. Engineering is not art or physics. It won't take a lot of talent. You needn't to be a Newton. You will learn. But at the moment, scripting in shell is the hardest thing ever you can imagine. If you're a Redditors, you will move on, and would start to learn Python or some other trash, let's say Node and JS. But if you're a man of integrity, with an average IQ of 100 or higher, you will press hard.

II. The Second-Stage Bootstrap Aka boot(8)-Loader, Brought To You By mdec Tapes.

Now you know many stuff. Redirection vs. pipeline, traps so forth and so on. This is the dangerous moment, because you may go on a rant in public that: everyone must write everything in POSIX shell or C language, and you even don't know jack sheep about C language. You must resist that temptation of boasting your illiteracy in public. You just must press harder and keep your mouth shut. Men know how to keep their mouth shut. That's a virtue. Internet is fake but it keeps records of fields of your stupidity-table, in a database. Oi SoyBoys! You've been warned.

III. The Third-Stage, Loading the Kernel.

Now you know shell, ins and outs, in the gutter! Good enough to know that for some higher abstraction tasks, specially character-string manipulations and operations — as oppose to crunching numbers, you need some higher abstract language like perl(1). And you're educated enough to know that not every one can write everything in C language. Awk is not efficient in many instances, and sed(1), as too is the case for awk(1), has no notion of numbers, and numbers are not numerals! Shell arrays are retarded, even in glorious Korn Shell — ksh(1). Smart people will pick up perl(1). Redditors will tcpdump(8) VB6 of the 21th century, i.e. Python(-1).


Ethan used to put scripts inside of markup-tags; the SoyDevs! But these days, the scope of Soydev-ism has been expanded to larger areas. We celebrate everyone, that's our strength! Breaking ports-tree, shoving dumps into ports-tree is our strength! Let's change already-working documents, with grey-ish coloured fonts. Yes, that's us. New unreadable-layouts, the art of CSS, I'm telling Ya. The guy has a edgy Wiki-page and he's telling Ya. With all those pronouns and craps. You're witnessing the fall of once-was-great projects. The infiltration.

Ethan has a vision. He always has one. Ethan is a charlatan. Ethan's kinsmen, who know that he, for one, is the charlatan number one.


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